Every stress-filled job needs a little injection of humor to lighten the workday load. With deadlines zooming, quotas not being met, mistakes made, boss not pleased with your performance, co-workers complaining, and back-stabbing… some days the workplace can seem like nothing but one big self-esteem sucking machine. Since the innate desire to shout and slam will not be acceptable try taking two jokes and laughing your way to the next part of your day.

1. We should have known the patient was going to be mean and ornery, he had different colored eyes; two of them were blue.

2. The patient started to settle down after he had been in the hospital for a week, we know because he finally starting waiving at the nurses with all five fingers.

3. The doctor put Sally on a diet, she’s trying to get down to her original weight of six pounds and seven ounces.

4. You know you’ve had a tough day at work when you get home and try to open the front door of your home with your car clicker.

5. The stress level has gotten out of hand when you find yourself at lunchtime standing in front of the microwave yelling, “Hurry!”

6. You know you’ll be working more than 40 hour work weeks when your first day on the job they issue you a badge, lap-top, cell phone and a sleeping bag.

7. The barista at the company coffee shop is getting a big aggressive. First his tip jar said, ‘Thanks a latte’, then it read, ‘Feeling Tipsy?’ now it has a big sign with, ‘Don’t make me put a bug in your drink!’.

8. My friends say that I’m think, pretty and smart…which is why, of course, they are my friends.

9. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

10. Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

11. There ought to be more accurate names for deodorants. Why don’t they have names like, Pitt Stop, No Sweat, or for the deodorant that is so effective you don’t even know it’s there, Vice President.

12. Thought out to rename Starbucks to Steal-bucks.

13. I’ve got a frog in my throat; tastes like chicken.

14. Q: What did the cow name her baby calf? A: Patty

15. Q: How much did the cow’s baby calf weight when it was born? A: A quarter pound